If you have to think about which hand goes where, maybe just stick to waving. I’ve had firmer handshakes than some of the hugs I’ve received. And they never stop coming. Have you ever been hugged with the energy of someone trying not to spill their coffee? Yeah, that. The art of the almost-hug isn’t new. It’s just consistently confusing.
There’s a very specific choreography to the almost-hug. One hand lands somewhere around your shoulder. The other drifts downward and rests, for some reason, on your stomach. Or worse, just above it, telling you not to come any closer. The emotional equivalent of clicking “remind me later”. And you go like “Do I look like a Windows update?”. But it doesn’t end there. After they’re done with this gesture hug, they pat. They always pat. Like you’re a dog who did a decent job sitting still. I am just glad most of them don’t have cookies on them.
What really gets to me is how fast their numbers are growing. And this strange little art form? It’s spreading. And look, I’m all for art. But this one? It has to end. They’re everywhere, multiplying. And worse, they’ve evolved. I’m not joking. The almost-huggers now come in types. Yes, I mean it. We have got The Side Huggers, The Pat Masters, The One-Armers, and everyone’s favorite The Stomach Tappers.
The Side Huggers:
They sneak in from the side and offer just one arm. Could be your shoulder, could be your back, they decide. You don’t get a full hug. You get a partial invitation to one. But don’t fall for it, they’ll withdraw the moment you decide to turn into it. They are always in a hurry like their fellow half-huggers.
The Pat Masters:
They’re one of a kind. They don’t hug, they pat. That’s what they call a hug. They’re gone before you even realize they were there. Sometimes they come from behind and smack your back like you’re a broken TV remote and a pat might fix it. And of course, they shout, “What’s up, buddy!”. But they never stick around for the answer.
The One-Armers:
The One-Armers care, at least for a few moments. They’re usually the ones who accidently bump into you after a long time. They wrap one arm around you and don’t bother with the other. Maybe it’s busy holding something but mostly it’s holding doubt. They might even walk a few steps with you. Feel free to ask about their day, just try not to bore them.
The Stomach-Tappers:
Ah yes, The stomach tappers. You already know them. They are unforgettable, for all the wrong reasons.
I don’t know who’s out there training these almost-huggers, but they need to stop. Immediately. A hug is supposed to feel like real affection and not like a last-minute decision they instantly regret.
So to the almost-huggers of the world: Either commit or keep your hands in your pockets. This half affection? We’re full.
Brilliantly hilarious take, finally someone said what we’ve all been almost-hugged into silence about!
Yes, finally popped the bubble, had to be done.I am glad it connected, Ahmad.